I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
