Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
