And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
