I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
