I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
