non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
