I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Can you bring me the toilet please
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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