Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
