i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
