When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
