Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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