ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Randomize
