I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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