apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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