Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
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