And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
