please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
