Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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