i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
