The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
