I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
