After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
