In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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