God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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