My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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