im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
