EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
