im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
