sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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