we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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