Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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