So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
