If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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