He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
