I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
