I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
