I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
