Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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