Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
