When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
