Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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