Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
