may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
