omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
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