quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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