oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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