hotel room ftw
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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