He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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