totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
