my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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