just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
