i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
