It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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